Seeking Permission / Approval of the Bride’ Parents to Marry

Explanation of Origin

Early proposals involved bartering between the families of the bride and bridegroom. Remnants of this remain today with the radition of the bridegroom asking the bride’s parents for permission to marry.

Source: I do! I do! Susan Waggoner, Rizzoli International Publications Inc (2002) p. 12

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

Most LGBTIQ+ couples won’t request permission of the parents to marry each other. One or the other of the couple may tell the parents that they intend to propose but seldom will they ask permission or approval. Often they know the parents well and will share the news that they intend to marry, rather than ask for permission or approval.

The Proposal on Bent Knee

Explanation of Origin

This is one of the most traditional rituals associated with weddings and marriage. It arose in mediaeval times when knights would bow before their noblewomen. It developed into men getting on one knee to propose to the woman for their hand in marriage. Many straight couple to this day maintain the ritual of the bridegroom getting down on a bent knee to propose to his bride and ask her to marry him.

Source: Bustle.com

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

If you wish to propose to your partner on bent knee, by all means do so. It’s a very strong tradition that is hard to forego. But don’t feel compelled to do so. To some couples, getting down on bent knee represents a power imbalance between the partners that is inappropriate in LGBTIQ+ relationships. Many LGBTIQ+ couples have long enjoyed the fact that their relationships are equally based, and that they have no gender-based roles in them. So, there are no rules around the proposal with respect to LGBTIQ+ couples. You can both just come to an agreement that you want to get married. The proposal might be more of a twoway discussion than a one-way proposal, in which you agree to “be engaged” and to get married at some future date. And that discussion could happen on the lounge as you watch TV or a movie, or in bed, or across each other at the dinner table, or on a long drive on the weekend or at a restaurant.

Engagement

(Essentially provides the time needed to plan the wedding. Often accompanied by an engagement party, with a large guest list and engagement cake)

Explanation of Origin

Engagement originated in times when the custom of betrothal was very businesslike. These were times of arranged marriages. Families agreed to the terms of the marriage, after emissaries were sent numerous times from both sides to barter those terms. Betrothal was legal and binding and ended with strangers standing before an altar and families on different sides of the space, divided by an aisle. Often the couple and their families did not know each other well, if at all. Modern engagements bring together the couple, who have courted and dated, as well as their families. The tradition of engagement, marked by the giving of an engagement ring by the bridegroom to the bride-to-be, begins the process of bringing two disparate families together. Nowadays, the engagement serves to give family and friends time to get used to the notion of this man and this woman getting married and also give the couple time to plan their wedding.

Source: I do! I do! Susan Waggoner, Rizzoli International Publications Inc (2002) pp. 15-16

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

Typically, engagements are not as important a part of the wedding / marriage process for LGBTIQ+ couples as they are for straight couples. The proposal – and, therefore, the associated engagement – are often a joint process for LGBTIQ+ couples. There is less emphasis on a bent knee proposal and an engagement ring than on the emotion and commitment associated with it. Often, the sharing of the engagement is undertaken with close friends and families and there may be a small celebration. But it is rare for LGBTIQ+ couples to have a large engagement party with a large guest list and engagement cake.

Paper-based Save the Dates and Invitations and Thank You Cards

Explanation of Origin

Traditionally, the wedding invitation was sent out some months after the public announcement of the engagement of the couple. It was a hard copy formal invitation that was posted to guests. Responses were also posted to whomever sent the invitations. The invitations indicated the date of the wedding. There were no such things as Save the Dates. Formal thank you cards were sent within a couple of weeks of the wedding, often with a lengthy note thanking the guests for the specific gift the guests gave the couple.

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

Many modern LGBTIQ+ couples seem to prefer green ways of inviting and replying to guests. It could involve setting up a wedding website that reflects the couple and their wedding. The website can be used to Save the Date; to push out and get back invitations and so on. Or it might involve using a public website such as Paperless Post to carry out those functions – at an affordable price.

Stag Parties or Bucks’ Nights

Explanation of Origin

Began in Spartan times, when the bridegroom would get together with his mates and feast and drink to excess these nights were boisterous farewells to a life of freedom, fun and irresponsibility.

Source: I do! I do! Susan Waggoner, Rizzoli International Publications Inc (2002) p. 32

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

Perhaps have a quiet night at home with some close friends watching Netflix, enjoying some nice food and drinks, or a nice meal out at a favourite restaurant. Don’t let your straight mates organise a buck’s night for you if you think it’d be less painful poking pins into your eyes!

Hens’ parties

Explanation of Origin

Originated in the mid to late twentieth century in response to bucks’ nights. Whatever the man could have, the woman could also have!

Source: I do! I do! Susan Waggoner, Rizzoli International Publications Inc (2002) p. 32

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

Perhaps have a quiet night at home with some close friends watching Netflix, enjoying some nice food and drinks, or a nice meal out at a favourite restaurant. Avoid being pressured by straight friends who want you to have a straight stripper come along for a night of debauchery.

Spending the Night Before the Wedding Apart from Each Other and Getting Ready Separately on the Day

Explanation of Origin

In times past, before the advent of motor vehicles, when travel was a time-consuming business, the bridesmaids spent the night before the wedding with the bride. This ensured that the bridesmaids would be on hand bright and early to help the bride—and each other—get dressed. In times when the couple saved their wedding night for the first time they had sex, this arrangement also built up the anticipation of the wedding night. The tradition has had several revisions: for example, some brides liked to spend the night before the wedding with their family, a highly symbolic gesture that goes back to the times when the bride was handed over to the bridegroom by her family as part of a property transfer.

Source: I do! I do! Susan Waggoner, Rizzoli International Publications Inc (2002) p. 77

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

Feel free to spend the night before the wedding together. Wake up to each other on your wedding day. Have breakfast together the morning of the wedding. And then help each other get ready. It’s a very special time, a moment to be savoured as it won’t ever happen again.

Veil

Explanation of Origin

The tradition of the wedding veil came from ancient Middle East, where bridal parties travelled beneath a protective canopy. The veil is a miniature version of that. The veil came to also represent the delivery of a pure and untouched maiden. The veil was only lifted after the vows had been spoken – that was the first time the bridegroom got to see his bride. In some weddings, the lifting of the veil is a highlight of the marriage ceremony. In many contemporary weddings, where there is a veil, the veil is off the bride’s face the entire time – ie there is no lifting.

Source: I do! I do! Susan Waggoner, Rizzoli International Publications Inc (2002) pp. 53-57

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

It is difficult to see the relevance of the veil to modern LGBTIQ+ couples. If one or both parties in an LGBTIQ+ wedding wished to have a veil, it’d be terrific to see the veil made in the colours of their gender identity or sexuality.

Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue

Explanation of Origin

1.  “Something old” represented continuity, and contemporary couples use this as a chance to wear a sentimental piece of jewellery or item of clothing belonging to an older relative.
2.  “Something new” offers optimism for the future. Incorporating
3.  “something borrowed” was thought to bring the couple good luck. By borrowing something from a happily married friend or relative, the bride or couple ensured a little of their good fortune rubbed off on them.
4.  “Something blue” the colour blue stands for love, purity and fidelity—three key qualities for a solid marriage. The traditional “something blue” was often a blue garter. worn beneath the bride’s white dress.

Source: I do! I do! Susan Waggoner, Rizzoli International Publications Inc (2002) p. 68

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

This is an old tradition that’s not adhered to much these days. It’s quaint. And for LGBTIQ+ couples, perhaps it doesn’t have much significance. But here are some options for those who want to keep this tradition happening.

1.  For something old, signifying continuity, perhaps wear a brooch or watch from your parents; or the shoes you wore to a marriage equality rally. Or a lapel pin in your relevant colours.
2. For something new, wear a new pair of customised rainbow Cons.
3. For something borrowed, try a borrowed clutch bag, or borrowed shoes, a borrowed watch, or handkerchief, a borrowed hair piece or jacket.
4. For something blue, perhaps blue cufflinks, a blue brooch or lapel pin, a blue bracelet, or blue socks, blue underwear, blue earrings, blue shoes, a blue dress or blue jacket or blue tie.

Bride

Explanation of Origin

Being a bride is a short-term thing. The word originally derived from a woman who was a cook, but these days means a woman who is getting married or has just got married. Essentially, the word and its usage for anyone woman lasts for one day, the wedding day. For this reason, many brides use it to be a queen or a princess for a day. And, tradition commands that whatever the bride wants on her wedding day, she gets.

Source: I do! I do! Susan Waggoner, Rizzoli International Publications Inc (2002) p. 38

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

Some LGBTIQ+ couples will want to use the term ‘bride’ simply because of its short-term applicability. But lots won’t. Where two women marry each other, it’s likely that one, both or neither will choose to be referred to as a ‘bride’. For LGBTIQ+ couples, there are no rules about this. You get to choose whatever term you want to be called – and educate your guests if they endeavour to pressure you into what would typically occur at a straight wedding.

Bridegroom

Explanation of Origin

Historically, the role of the bridegroom on the wedding day has been simply to turn up. The word ‘bridegroom’ means the man who is with the bride.

Source: I do! I do! Susan Waggoner, Rizzoli International Publications Inc (2002) pp. 38-40

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

Whether LGBTIQ+ couples wish to use or shun the term ‘bridegroom’ or ‘groom’ given its historical meaning, is up to them. They can choose an alternative term. But it can be used appropriately by feminine-leaning men, masculine-leaning women, gender queer, gender non-conforming, gender-fluid and nonbinary individuals.

Bridesmaids

Explanation of Origin

In ancient Greece, the bride was accompanied to her wedding by older, married women whose role it was to provide her with help and wisdom. They also protected her and surrounded her, delivering her safely into the arms of her bridegroom. Traditionally, in modern times, bridesmaids have all been young women who have all worn matching outfits whose colour and style were decided by the bride.

Source: I do! I do! Susan Waggoner, Rizzoli International Publications Inc (2002) pp. 40-42

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

Choose who you want to be your attendants. Have as many or as few (none?) as you want. And why not invite a mix of your favourite people to be your attendants, regardless of their gender identities or sexualities. And let them decide what to wear

Bridesmaids

Explanation of Origin

The role of the bridesmaids was to help the bride on her wedding day – and in the lead-up to it. In times long gone, the bridesmaids used to wear the same coloured dress as the bride, to confuse the bad spirits. In later times, the bridesmaids would form a protective shield around the bride, while walking her to the church or the field where the marriage would take place.

Source: I do! I do! Susan Waggoner, Rizzoli International Publications Inc (2002) pp. 40-42

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

Times have changed. LGBTIQ+ couples don’t need to have a wedding party or any attendants out the front with them during the ceremony. But if they do choose to, anyone can be on ‘their side’. For example, an LGBTIQ+ man getting married may choose to have a trans woman friend and a straight mate as his attendants; an LGBTIQ+ woman may choose to have a gay woman and an intersex best friend as her attendants. The rule is that there is no rule along gender identity or sexuality when it comes to choosing your attendants.

Best Man

Explanation of Origin

In the days of marriage by capture, the bridegroom could expect retaliation by the male members of the stolen bride. It fell to the need to choose a close male friend or relative who could be trusted to help keep the intruders at bay with his sword.

Source: I do! I do! Susan Waggoner, Rizzoli International Publications Inc (2002) p. 47

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

LGBTIQ+ couples can choose whomever they want, to be their ‘best man’. They may choose to not have one, and that is completely fine. Or they may choose to have a woman as their ‘best man’. There are lots of alternative names for wedding attendants at LGBTIQ+ weddings, including the ‘best man’. A chance to be creative!

Groomsmen

Explanation of Origin

Groomsmen hearken back to the notion of the bride being accompanied to the church by a group of men who could protect her and ensure she got there. It was also their role to usher in the bride by walking in front of her down the church aisle. Groomsmen traditionally have been close male friends or relatives of the bridegroom.

Source: I do! I do! Susan Waggoner, Rizzoli International Publications Inc (2002) p. 46

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

As with bridesmaids, above, there are no rules about this. Perhaps think about renaming your attendants to something different from ‘groomsmen’. And choose your attendants along lines other than sex. Who are your besties? Who do you want to be by your side and to help you on your wedding day?

Ring Bearer

Explanation of Origin

A relatively recent introduction to weddings that came from the USA. Often, the ring bearer is a young boy who the couple wants to be involved in their wedding.

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

Many members of the LGBTIQ+ community have fur babies that are a massively important part of their family. Why not involve them in your ceremony? Perhaps tie a rainbow (or relevant coloured) collar around their neck and hang the rings from that? The fur baby would love it, you’d love it, and your guests would love it and talk about it for a long time to come.

Taking Sides

(Family and friends of bride on one side of the aisle and those of the bridegroom on the other)

Explanation of Origin

Long ago, and not so long ago, marriage symbolised the coming together of two individuals to live together to the end of their lives. But it also symbolised the coming together of two families – that of the bride and the bridegroom – who probably didn’t know each other well. And so, separated by an aisle, down which the bride entered the church on the arm of her father, to be handed over to her bridegroom, the families and other guests were conveniently separated into two ‘sides’, with the guests of the bride on one side and the guests of the bridegroom on the other.

Source: I do! I do! Susan Waggoner, Rizzoli International Publications Inc (2002) pp. 84-88

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

Sometimes it can be quite confronting and sad if one of the parties has few or no friends or blood family members there and the other party has lots. It makes sense to combine the guests. It also symbolically signifies that you are becoming one and that everyone there embraces both of you. Often, it can help your guests if you have a sign that states that at this wedding there are no sides – everyone can sit wherever they want to. It makes for the beginning of a much more convivial, friendly marriage ceremony and after-party.

Bridal Bouquet

Explanation of Origin

The tradition of the bride carrying a bouquet of herbs or flowers arose because the fragrance of the herbs or flowers masked the body smells of the bride in times when they may have had, at most, a bath once per week. It has developed into a tradition that includes the careful selection of colours, native flowers and seasonal availability as well as the option of artificial flowers.

Source: I do! I do! Susan Waggoner, Rizzoli International Publications Inc (2002) pp. 62-63

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

LGBTIQ+ couples have the option to have as many or as few flowers as they wish, in whatever colours they wish. Some have chosen rainbow floral arrangements. Others have chosen few floral arrangements, opting instead to spend their money on other parts of their celebrations.

Processional

Explanation of Origin

In times past, the procession to the church or town square or paddock where the marriage took place was part of the wedding. As cars came on the scene, part of this tradition fell away. But the processional often remains. The chosen music begins, there is a hush over the guests, and members of the bridal party begin their walk down the aisle – groomsmen in pairs (peeling off to the right and left), bridesmaids in pairs (peeling off to the right and left), so that the bride and the bridegroom are flanked by a groomsman and a bridesmaid. In the past half century (from the USA) came the tradition of the groomsmen standing at the front with the bridegroom, and the bridesmaids preceding the bride in the processional before taking their place on her side of the aisle at the front.

Source: I do! I do! Susan Waggoner, Rizzoli International Publications Inc (2002) pp. 85-86

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

There are some exciting options for LGBTIQ+ couples with regard to the processional. If you want to have an aisle, then consider you walking down it hand in hand with your feyonce. Or both of you walk down the aisle, one after the other, with your significant allies – eg your parents, your children, your closest friend, your fur baby. Or one walks down the aisle with their parents, children, or closest friend, and is met at the other end by their feyonce. Or both of you start from either end of the aisle and walk towards each other at the same time and meet in the middle. Conduct your ceremony in the round. Or don’t have an aisle, bring your guests together in a seated group, and both of you leave form the same spot at the back of the guests, walk down either side (by yourselves or with your parents, your children, your closest friend, your fur baby) and walk around the outside of your guests, meeting at the middle at the front of the ceremony space. Or get your guests to form a large snail shape that weaves itself into the centre of the ceremony space. Both of you – together or separately – walk around the snail shape, thereby passing by each of your guests on the wat to get married.

Walking Down the Aisle on the Arm of Your Father

Explanation of Origin

This custom dates back to an era when a woman was perceived as a male’s property. The father ‘giving away’ the bride represented a transfer of ownership from the bride’s father to her new husband.

Source: I do! I do! Susan Waggoner, Rizzoli International Publications Inc (2002) pp. 85-88

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

This is a very strong tradition. Lots of women want to walk down an aisle when they get married. It’s probably one of the three most adhered-to wedding traditions, regardless of sexuality or gender identity. But, at the end of the day, there are no rules for LGBTIQ+ couples.

Bride Stands on the Left of the Bridegroom

Explanation of Origin

This quaint tradition arose from the times when the bride was snatched by the bridegroom and his attendants from her family. The bridegroom needed his sword hand (ie usually his right hand) to fight off any pursuers. He used his left hand to restrain his bride and prevent her from fleeing. That’s why the bride traditionally stood on the left side of the bridegroom.

Source: I do! I do! Susan Waggoner, Rizzoli International Publications Inc (2002) p. 88

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

There are no rules about this. LGBTIQ+ couples – including those where there is no “bride” – typically stand where they wish. It may be that they stand in such a way that the couples’ best sides are visible to their guests, or it be any other factor that determines who stands where. But it will rarely be because the couple wish to slavishly follow this tradition of the bride standing on the left.

Including A Political Statement in Your Marriage Ceremony

Explanation of Origin

Political protests were introduced by many straight couples when they married prior to ‘marriage equality’, knowing that their LGBTIQ+ friends and relatives could not marry. The political statement was usually said immediately after The Monitum and was meant as a sign of the couples’ support for their friends and relatives and guests who were members of the LGBTIQ+ community. Since ‘marriage equality’, most straight couples have foregone the protest option, whilst many LGBTIQ+ couples retain it in their ceremonies.

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

Make a political statement to ensure your guests really understand that what you are doing on your wedding day was long denied to you and to other members of the LGBTIQ+ community. That political statement can be made with hard or soft tones. You can include an Acknowledgment of LGBTIQ+ Elders. Or perhaps include a statement like this: “We could say that today has been a long time coming. In fact, it’s been too long coming! In the time that it’s taken successive governments to make it legal for any two people to marry in Australia, some of those in committed relationships and others close to them have died in times when they were prohibited by law from marrying. Today, we remember them with love and pride.”

Readings

Explanation of Origin

When religious weddings were the only option for those couples wishing to get married, regardless of the depth of their religious beliefs, marriage ceremonies were highly templated. Hymns and readings were those recommended by the church for that occasion. And so, the readings came from the Bible, if the couple was Christian. There was no diversion from that and there was no place for telling of the love story etc. The only thing that changed from one couple to another was the names of the people getting married.

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

Civil ceremonies contain no religious content. Readings can help make a ceremony more reflective of the couple. They can emphasis their beliefs about love, commitment, relationships and marriage. They can be funny or serious. And there’s a plethora of readings by queer writers and poets that are available. You should ask your celebrant for a heap of samples of queer readings and poems. And then start thinking about who you’d like to read them four you – it doesn’t have to be your celebrant. It can be a great way of involving some members of your tribe.

Marriage Vows

Explanation of Origin

The marriage vows are the central point of the marriage ceremony. They represent the fact that, before they are said, in front of their two legal witnesses, the parties were single people; after they are said, the parties are married. Traditional vows highlighted how gendered marriage ceremonies – and the life thereafter – were: the bride had to promise to ‘obey’ her bridegroom whilst there was no such reciprocal requirement of the bridegroom. Modern vows do not contain the need or commitment to obey. Typically, couples write their own vows, often assisted by samples from their celebrant.

Source: I do! I do! Susan Waggoner, Rizzoli International Publications Inc (2002) pp, 90-91

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

LGBTIQ+ couples have great opportunities to be as playful and fun – or as traditional and serious – as they wish to be, with regard to their vows. They may wish to do a “piss take” and incorporate some language that has been hurled at them in their previous lives; or to do a parody of some vows that a straight couple might pledge to each other. Or they may simply write words that are authentic to themselves – and all their witnesses and guests will completely understand what is being promised by each to the other.

Exchange of Wedding Rings

Explanation of Origin

The Egyptians believed that a vein ran from the third finger of the left hand straight to the heart. Therefore, that finger had special meaning – and it was typically the third finger of the left hand. Traditionally, only one wedding ring was exchanged – the bridegroom slipped the ring on the bride’s finger. It was during the World Wars that men started to wear wedding rings as a way of remembering their wives while they were serving their country. The left hand was used as the place to put the ring on as most people are right-handed and putting it on the left hand it was less likely to get damaged.

Source: I do! I do! Susan Waggoner, Rizzoli International Publications Inc (2002) pp. 91-92

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

An alternative is to exchange a gorgeous watch or bracelet or brooch or other jewellery, perhaps a piece that has a rainbow theme? Perhaps get each other’s fingerprints engraved in the piece as a symbol of what you mean to each other. And, whatever piece you choose, don’t forget to say some very special words as you exchange them.

Lighting A Unity Candle

Explanation of Origin

This is a relatively recent arrival on the wedding scene. Similarly to the vows, the lighting of the unity candle from separate tapers represents the coming together of two separate single lives into one new entity, as a married couple.

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

Get some rainbow (or relevant)-coloured candles and / or tapers. Be as flameboyant as you wish. You could use this ritual to make your political statement, if you wish, that could focus on the struggle for marriage equality and how the delays have cost some couples their opportunity to be married or to have a long marriage because one of them is old and sick or one of them has, perhaps, died. Alternatively, light the candle whilst someone reads a reading from an LGBTIQ+ poet or writer. And, of course,
the ritual represents the coming together of two separate single lives into one new entity, as a married couple.

Sand Ceremony

Explanation of Origin

This is a relatively recent optional part of a wedding ceremony. The bride and bridegroom each pour a layer of a different coloured sand into a container to represent their separate single lives that they led before their wedding day. They then both pour the same coloured sand (a different colour than previously poured) at the same time into the container – and seal it, to represent their coming together as a married couple. To add more meaning, the sand can come from beaches or rivers that have been special or meaningful for the couple.

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

The couple could choose sand that best represents their sexuality or gender identity. A trans couple might choose the pink, blue and white colours, for example. They may invite someone special to join them – eg the person who was responsible for bringing them together, or their parents or biggest allies. Or they may choose to keep it simple and be just between themselves. Whatever the colours, they pour the sand that represents themselves as single people first, one by one, and then jointly pour any remaining colours together. They then seal the top.

Tying the Knot

Explanation of Origin

This comes from the time when zippers were uncommon, as were buttons. Clothes were fastened with ribbons and belts etc. So, on his wedding night, the bridegroom looked forward to untying the knots on his new wife’s gown and undergarments. The knots were seen as part of her purity. In weddings in later years, a Celtic tradition was introduced where the couple tied a knot made up of braided grass or leather. It tied them together and bound them, symbolically.

Source: I do! I do!, Susan Waggoner, Rizzoli International Publications Inc (2002) p. 33

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

The couple can choose to tie a knot of some braided rainbow rope, or some braided leather in the colours that represent their gender identity or sexuality. If carried out correctly by their celebrant, the knot can be formed into an infinity knot. Check it out here

The Kiss

Explanation of Origin

In feudal times, when someone kissed a hand or ring it was a symbol of pledging allegiance. In later years, in Christian weddings, it was customary for the priest to give a holy “kiss of peace” to the bridegroom, who would then pass the kiss on to the bride. This was done to bless the marriage inside of the church, giving way to the common phrase heard today at most ceremonies: “You may now kiss the bride”. The kiss follows the vows. It signifies that the bride and bridegroom have forsaken all others and come together in loyalty.

Source: YourTamborineMountainWedding.com.au

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

Not all LGBTIQ+ couples want to kiss. At least not in front of their guests, parents and friends etc. And so, if they don’t want to, no one, including their celebrant, should be pressuring them to. They can perhaps hug or hold hands or just have no public displays of affection. This stems from such couples being brought up not wanting to offend or confront their families and friends.

The Presentation

Explanation of Origin

In times gone by, in church weddings, the couple traditionally had their backs to their guests. As soon as they were married, they’d turn around be presented as the newly married couple, for the first time.

Source: I do! I do! Susan Waggoner, Rizzoli International Publications Inc (2002) p. 92

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

Wedding ceremonies typically occur with the couple facing their guests. LGBTIQ+ couples could be presented as “Australia’s newest married queer couple” or similar, that best represents them. Or perhaps Party 1 and Party 2 invite you to join them in the party of the year, as they celebrate their first hours as a married couple!

Timing of Formal Photos

Explanation of Origin

Over the past century or so, it’s become a tradition for marrying couples to have photos taken, to remember their wedding day. Early on, only a few photos were taken. They were very formal and typically consisted of the couple and their wedding party. In recent decades, the number of photos has increased markedly, particularly with the advent of digitisation. It’s not unusual for a wedding photographer to take 100s of photos at a wedding. Around 80% of them are candid; 20% are formal.

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

If you wish to have some formal photos taken, then do so. And if you wish to have a formal order in which they are taken, then do so. But don’t feel pressured to hire a wedding photographer or to have formal photos taken. An alternative is for you to see if there’s a photographer in your friendship group – or a guest who has a passion for photography – who might be able to take some candid photos throughout the wedding. You could also put two Mipros on small tripods or stands and record the wedding in video format. Perhaps aim one Mipro at you and the celebrant and aim the other at the guests.

Wedding Reception

Explanation of Origin

A century ago, weddings were not nearly as extravagant as they are now. In Western culture, up until World War II, wedding celebrations were typically held in the bride’s home. The family’s financial standing dictated the style of the reception. A wealthier family might host a fancy ball, while a middle-class family might host an afternoon luncheon and tea. Around the turn of the 20th century, dance halls became more popular and the guest lists began to grow, as the bride and bridegroom were no longer limited by the number of people their homes could hold. Wherever the reception was held, guests were greeted with a receiving line – a reception line, hence the name – in which the bride and bridegroom, hosts and parents would greet every single guest. Today straight wedding receptions commonly take place in banquet halls, hotel ballrooms, wedding venues, and church and community halls. Smaller wedding receptions also occur at restaurants or in backyards.

Source: TheSpruce.com

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

LGBTIQ+ couples love the idea of something similar to a straight wedding ‘reception’ – with drinks and canapes served immediately after the ceremony, while photos are taken, followed by a rather formal seated dinner at tables of 8 or 10 people in the centre of which is an ornate floral arrangement or candle-lit centrepiece. The table guests are treated to an alternative drop menu of chicken or beef, followed by a dessert – and, of course, the cutting of an impressive wedding cake. Usually, there is dancing which is interrupted by speeches. Dancing follows. But most LGBTIQ+ couples are not availing themselves of a traditional ‘reception’. They are preferring to call it an after-party. It is highly informal. The emphasis is on people moving around, getting to know each other, grazing gorgeous food and imbibing nice drinks as they celebrate the marriage that has just taken place. There is often music playing, but the number of guests is often fewer than at a formal reception, and the traditions are less formal, to match the vibe of the venue. Often, these after-parties will be at the same venue as the ceremony, but the venue
will be a funkier, more contemporary style of venue than a traditional wedding venue.

Cutting of the Wedding Cake

Explanation of Origin

The wedding cake originated in ancient Rome when, at the end of the celebrations, the bridegroom would break a loaf of barley bread over the head of his bride, thereby symbolising fertility. The guests would scramble to pick up the crumbs so they would benefit from the fertility ritual as well. The tradition of today’s modern wedding cake took its lead from when Queen Victoria had a fruit cake as her wedding cake.

Source: I do! I do! Susan Waggoner, Rizzoli International Publications Inc (2002) p. 106-111

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

Lots of LGBTIQ+ couples still like a wedding cake, and the associated ritual of cutting the cake. But for many, the tradition of a wedding cake, founded in an ancient Roman fertility ritual, has little appeal or meaning. Some will forego the cake altogether, and simply offer dessert with no cake present. Others may prefer to have some cake-based desserts, perhaps much smaller than the traditional wedding cake, opting for mouth-bite-size desserts, instead. Check out this offering as something different from someone from the LGBTIQ+ community: What Froggy Bakes

Speeches

Explanation of Origin

In decades past, wedding speeches have been a traditional part of the “reception”. They were incredibly formal. There was even a traditional order in which these wedding speeches were given: the father of the bride, the bridegroom, the best man and then any other toasts. Typically, those making the speeches were male. However, lots of contemporary brides now choose to give a speech, as do the bridesmaids or the maid of honour. One of the things about wedding speeches is that can go on and on and sound more like 21st birthday speeches than wedding speeches.

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

There is no need to make speeches or have other people make speeches, if you don’t want to. Be aware that lots of your straight friends or relative might expect you to have speeches – But if you do want to have speeches, choose the people making them carefully. Perhaps they’ve been your biggest allies? Your favourite sibling? Perhaps they concentrate on an aspect of your relationship?

The First Dance

Explanation of Origin

In high society of the mid 1900s, the first dance was used to open a ball or a special event. This special occasion was led by the guest of honour. It has now evolved into a tradition at modern-day weddings. In the past ballroom dancing was a skill that many people had, and so many brides and bridegrooms used a waltz for their first dance. Newlyweds did not join the dancing until after their guests had begun, and the newly married couple simply danced with one another first before moving on to other partners. This occurred while other guests continued dancing and was not given particular attention or treated as a performance. In recent decades, as ballroom dancing skills have diminished and other dancing styles have taken their place, the style of dance has become more of a personal choice. Some couples opt for a slow dance, whilst others spend many hours and significant money to create a rehearsed, choreographed dance, designed to entertain their guests.

Source: I do! I do! Susan Waggoner, Rizzoli International Publications Inc (2002) p. 33; WindyCityWeddingDance.com

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

We all know that the stereotypical LGBTIQ+ couple has as many dancing skills as Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire. We all know, at the same time, that that is just untrue. Some LGBTIQ+ couples believe a first dance at their wedding is as crucial as wedding cake. Others are happy to forego both traditions. There are no rules. Choose to have a first dance if you wish – or not. And whatever your choice, enjoy! There are dancing companies that specialise in LGBTIQ+ dance lessons. They’ll teach you who both of you should lead – or neither of you!

Removing the Garter and Tossing it

Explanation of Origin

Came from guests putting the couple to bed as part of the wedding celebration. Women and men would join the couple in the bedchamber and partly unclothe them. Gradually, it evolved to the bridegroom removing the garter and tossing it – the first man who caught it saw it as a trophy that had been captured.

Source: I do! I do! Susan Waggoner, Rizzoli International Publications Inc (2002) pp. 101-102

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

The garter and its origins have little relevance in the LGBTIQ+ community. Wear a rainbow garter if you wish. But perhaps wait until the wedding and the after party have finished so that your spouse can remove the garter how and when you like. How intimate! Or transform the garter into a rainbow armband.

Bouquet Toss

Explanation of Origin

The tossing of the bouquet signified that the bride is no longer single and can now ‘pass the torch’ to one of her single female friends or relatives. The lucky woman to catch the bouquet is said to be the next one to get proposed to.

Source: Brides.com

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

If you are having a bouquet, perhaps leave it somewhere prominent at your after party, so that your guests can feel it and smell it. Or perhaps hand it to someone special – your grandparent? A person who stood by you when you came out or went through tough times? Your best friend?

Change of Names

Explanation of Origin

The tradition of the wife taking her husband’s last name upon becoming married has its roots in the times when marriage was also the time when property transfer took place – and so, the wife became part of her husband’s property. Changing her last name signified that transfer of her from her family to him, as a piece of property. Nowadays, around 80% of straight wives take on their husbands’ last name – it makes it easier when they have children or they feel more like a family when all the members have the same name.

Source: SeattleBrideMag.com

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

Lots of LGBTIQ+ couples choose not to take on the name of their spouse – in fact, it’s quite unusual to do so. Some LGBTIQ+ couples choose to hyphenate their last name; others choose to create an entirely new entity by merging their last names – eg Smith and Jones become Smones or Jonith. But there is no expectation for LGBTIQ+ couples to change their name unless they want to. For those who do, this may be helpful

Other Suppliers

Explanation of Origin

For the past half century, the wedding industry has been driven by venues. Those venues have been highly packaged – offering tightly priced packages that couples had to fit into, often with their own preferred suppliers and with little movement allowed from their packaged offerings. The tables were typically set in settings of 8 or 10, with an alternative drop menu, of chicken and beef.

LGBTIQ+ Alternative

LGBTIQ+ couples don’t need to accept the typical packaging lazily served up to straight couples by wedding venues. Choose alternative venues that want to help you create your own vibe. Perhaps check out non-wedding venues that want to work with you, who ’get’ you and want to give you a customised level of service, who are educated about your LGBTIQ+ community, who put back into it as well as take from it. And rather than be pressured into using their ‘preferred suppliers’ (you may want to ask why they are ’preferred’), look around. Here are some who I’ve worked with and trust.